Why Forgiving Your Ex is the Key to Living the Life of Your Dreams.
Yes, it’s hard to imagine, but forgiving your ex is the key to creating everything you want in your life. It was for me. Even after he left me in what felt like the cruelest way. And even though my story isn’t unusual – affairs happen, right? In one instant, the life I loved was over. My safety and security was gone in a flash. Now I’m sure many of you can relate to how I felt - the betrayal so deep, the pain so raw. The one person you trusted and believed had your back, no matter what. The one you confided your deepest self to, rejected you and moved on.
I was hell bent on being a victim.
I spent countless hours blaming him, judging myself for what I did wrong, and hoping he’d come back. But none of that helped. It kept me stuck in pain. I felt truly like I was the victim of the worst act possible. The truth is, we all experience being victimized at some point. The real question is; are you going to be defined as a victim and wear it as a badge of honor? Or, will you accept the event exactly as it is, make peace with it, and move into creating a life on your terms? For me, there countless opportunities to practice choosing peace and to let it all go. The most challenging part was letting go of all the things I thought were my happily ever after – the house, my car, the security, our beautiful family.
As hard as it was for me to accept - forgiveness was the only way to free myself from the past.
Let me tell you forgiveness is an act of courage. It’s hard, but it is the only way out is through the pain. When you forgive, you free yourself from the weight and preoccupation of the past. It’s a process that takes time. It starts with a willingness to be free from the past. And, unless you have the desire to let it all go – your efforts will fall short. It’s a choice to have faith override the fear.
I forgave my ex by writing many letters, than ceremoniously burning then and letting it all go. I’d picture him as a small child and connect with the pain and fear that would cause him to act in such a way. While hiking in the woods, I would lay a pine cone around a particular tree for each prayer of forgiveness I’d send to him. This gave me a visual reminder on the days it was all a struggle to see the progress.
In the process of forgiving him, the unexpected gift was that I also forgave myself.
Forgiving my ex allowed me to see the vulnerable, scared parts of him instead of seeing him as a dismissive betraying monster. Forgiveness frees you to see the other side and, in turn, begin to see small miracles. Like when driving past your favorite restaurant as a couple, your heart no longer races and you don’t feel queasy. Or, you get a glimmer of someone who looks like your ex, and you no longer have that panicked feeling that lingers for hours.
When you forgive, you'll begin to find the wisdom and the gifts of your painful experiences.
Forgiveness can give you the ability to grapple with what the situation or event is there to show you. Whether you need to let go of control, or surrender or release expectations, forgiveness has the power to help you see that the only thing that you can control . . . is your own reaction. Forgiving your ex helps you begin again – your life will start to flow with ease. You’ll let go of the image of how life was supposed to be and surrender to it exactly as it is. The past will no longer wound or control you. Imagine being able to take responsibility for yourself and make empowering choices. Feel more present and grounded.
The ability to have what you want in life is in direct proportion to your ability to forgive.
It requires breaking down the walls we construct to protect ourselves. In reality, walls like righteousness imprison us and shut down our heart’s ability to give and receive love fully. In the end – it’s a gift we give ourselves so we can reclaim, love, and open our hearts with a clear mind. It’s the opportunity so many of us are looking for, but don’t realize exists if only we can begin to let go and live the new life of our dreams.
ACTION STEPS:
1. Close your eyes and identify one person you’re feeling angry at. Take some slow, deep breaths. Envision yourself completely forgiving this person. Imagine yourself free from the chains of the past, free from the weight of negative judgments of the past. Allow yourself to feel yourself free from the old hurts, blame, guilt and shame.
2. Visualize cutting away the invisible chains that bind you and weigh you down. See them fall away easily and effortlessly. Continue to breath deeply, then slowly open your eyes.
3. Journal how your life would be different if you could let it all go and forgive. Would you sleep more restfully? Would your mood shift without old residue influencing your thoughts and moods? Would your internal dialogue shift? How would your other relationships shift?