Like so many of you, I grew up with the message that to fit in, you should ignore your own needs, put others first, and follow along. 

What they forgot was that when you put others first, you give your power away.

In childhood, I quickly learned that if you did something special – if you were cute, got good grades – you earned the approval of others.  I learned that I had to give up my own needs, or stay silent, in order to fit in.  This pattern slowly turned into a habit, then a way of life. I believed that it was more important to have the approval of others than care about my own needs. And, in a flash, all I knew was how to respond to the voices of guilt and “should be” dictating my every move.

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As an adult, I’ve sold myself out countless times. 

I went from modeling the obedient “good girl” who didn’t’ make waves as a child and mastered the art of the perfect wife, mother and friend as an adult. I quickly learned to read people and fulfill their needs in order to gain approval and love.  When I was really on, I could anticipate my ex’s needs before he knew he had them! I was Superwoman and Miss Perfect. And I loved it!

But there was a cost – a big one. It was my integrity, strength, and my connection to my inner compass. I was an empty shell on autopilot performing to meet other’s needs and expectations. The result was resentment, neediness and I became a victim!

My ah-ha moment came when the man I felt I gave my everything to, left me.

I realized it didn’t matter how perfect, how many of his needs I anticipated, how many people I took care of, how much I gave of myself, it would never be enough. AND I CREATED IT. I sold myself short and put everyone before me under the guise that I was strong and could take care of myself.  Simply put, I had to take responsibility and own my fear. 

People pleasing is a strategy to feel safe and worthy in your own skin.

The problem is it doesn’t really work.  Even if it was a way to stay under the radar as a child, as an adult it plays out by not having enough confidence to go after what you want, or maybe not even being able to admit to yourself what you truly desire.  You focus on fitting in and forsake yourself out of fear of rejection.  How many times have you said “yes” when you really meant “no”?

The root cause of people pleasing is fear. The antidote is courage.

It wasn’t until I saw People Pleasing for the sap sucker that it was, that I realized I had to find the courage to put me first and learn to say now. And although it wasn’t easy, it slowly developed and strengthened, one choice at a time. Instead of settling for crumbs, I stopped chasing the approval of others. Instead of waiting on others and always saying yes, letting go of your people pleaser means you become the biggest, brightest most empowered version of yourself, without apology! When you take responsibility for your life, and allow others to do the same, life opens up.  When you step into courage, learn to say no when appropriate, and let go of the need to earn other’s approval by people pleasing, you’ll step into creating healthy vibrant relationships and fill your own cup of happiness.

ACTION STEPS:

• Review your choices each day for one week. 
• How many times did you chose people pleasing over what your truly desire?
• How many times did you say yes, when you really wanted to say no?
• What boundary did you allow someone to cross?
• How did it feel?
• With each example, write out if you had it to do over, how you might have handled it differently.
• Consider a mantra to remind you to release your people pleaser. Make it a phrase or a word you can repeat to yourself to remind you in difficult times to put you first!

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