“Relationships that do not end peacefully do not end at all." 

Yes, there is another path to ending your relationship, one filled with kindness, respect and integrity. Imagine how different it would feel if you could shift from seeing the ending of a relationship as a personal failure to one of opportunity and growth. Instead of feeling down or beating yourself up, you’ll be introduced to the strongest, wisest, and most courageous parts of yourself. It only takes one person in the relationship to uncouple in a healthy way.  Even if your partner is behaving like a monster, you do not have to behave in kind.  In fact, kindness and integrity are contagious!  Your ability to keep your attention on yourself will pave the way to allowing love  back in your life.

From happily ever after, to happily even after . . . is possible.

Conscious uncoupling was a term made famous by Gwyneth Paltrow and no matter what you think of her, the idea is you can move through the ending of a relationship with honor and reverence for the time and love shared together.  It’s a choice in the midst of all the pain, to allow integrity to supersede emotions. Instead of blowing things up, consciously uncoupling offers a five-step roadmap to end a relationship with minimal damage.  Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of the New York Times bestseller Conscious Uncoupling, uses a five step process; finding emotional freedom, reclaiming your power and your life, breaking the patterns and healing your heart, becoming a love alchemist, and creating your happily even after life.  You’ll learn to lower reactivity, let go of the victim, uncover your role so that you can change the patterns, and practice more effective communication tools that create more balance in all of your relationships.

A poorly navigated loss leads to a poorly healed heart.

Think you can beat the odds and just get past this relationship so you can find a fresh start with someone new?  Guess again.  Your next relationship does not begin when you meet that someone new, but with how you bring closure and heal from the one that’s ending.  Buried baggage and an unhealed heart won’t just fade away.  It lies in wait for your next unsuspecting partner.  Equally destructive, it leaks out in self -sabotaging your relationship with self.  We can’t love another any more than we can love ourselves.

Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds. But we can.

The best way to get over a broken heart is to use the fierce pain as a catalyst to propel you to be the best version of you and turn your wounds to wisdom.  There is a new and beautiful life waiting for you on the other side of this heartbreak!

“If we are willing to walk fearlessly into the crucible of a painful ending, we will find gifts waiting for us there that we never could have seen had we continued clinging to the safety of the familiar”. Craig Hamilton

Action Steps

Set the intention to bring closure in a way that helps both of you thrive, when you get to the other side of the hurt.  Recall the expanded feeling of being deeply loved by someone who found their way into the chambers of our heart.  Honor the reverence for the shared experience for glimpsing into each other’s souls.

Write a letter to this person.  When finished, read it out loud.  You may choose to tear it up, burn it, or send it.

1. Acknowledge what this person meant to you.

2. Appreciate all of the many lessons gifts this person has brought into your life.

3. Make a sincere attempt to offer amends for your part.

4.Make a commitment to integrate the wisdom and to change the patterns in future relationships.

5. Identify one need the relationship met, and choose how to meet this need now.

Watch for my upcoming challenge on how to end your relationships in a more honoring way.

If you’re curious about turning the ending of a relationship into a catalyst of unprecedented positive change, then this is for you. I’ll guide you through Conscious Uncoupling’s five-step process, but with a twist!  You’ll have the tools to leave a relationship healthy and whole, rather than walled off and wounded. You’ll restore trust in your own inner compass again, you know- fill your own cup!

Stay tuned!

Like so many of you, I grew up with the message that to fit in, you should ignore your own needs, put others first, and follow along. 

What they forgot was that when you put others first, you give your power away.

In childhood, I quickly learned that if you did something special – if you were cute, got good grades – you earned the approval of others.  I learned that I had to give up my own needs, or stay silent, in order to fit in.  This pattern slowly turned into a habit, then a way of life. I believed that it was more important to have the approval of others than care about my own needs. And, in a flash, all I knew was how to respond to the voices of guilt and “should be” dictating my every move.

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As an adult, I’ve sold myself out countless times. 

I went from modeling the obedient “good girl” who didn’t’ make waves as a child and mastered the art of the perfect wife, mother and friend as an adult. I quickly learned to read people and fulfill their needs in order to gain approval and love.  When I was really on, I could anticipate my ex’s needs before he knew he had them! I was Superwoman and Miss Perfect. And I loved it!

But there was a cost – a big one. It was my integrity, strength, and my connection to my inner compass. I was an empty shell on autopilot performing to meet other’s needs and expectations. The result was resentment, neediness and I became a victim!

My ah-ha moment came when the man I felt I gave my everything to, left me.

I realized it didn’t matter how perfect, how many of his needs I anticipated, how many people I took care of, how much I gave of myself, it would never be enough. AND I CREATED IT. I sold myself short and put everyone before me under the guise that I was strong and could take care of myself.  Simply put, I had to take responsibility and own my fear. 

People pleasing is a strategy to feel safe and worthy in your own skin.

The problem is it doesn’t really work.  Even if it was a way to stay under the radar as a child, as an adult it plays out by not having enough confidence to go after what you want, or maybe not even being able to admit to yourself what you truly desire.  You focus on fitting in and forsake yourself out of fear of rejection.  How many times have you said “yes” when you really meant “no”?

The root cause of people pleasing is fear. The antidote is courage.

It wasn’t until I saw People Pleasing for the sap sucker that it was, that I realized I had to find the courage to put me first and learn to say now. And although it wasn’t easy, it slowly developed and strengthened, one choice at a time. Instead of settling for crumbs, I stopped chasing the approval of others. Instead of waiting on others and always saying yes, letting go of your people pleaser means you become the biggest, brightest most empowered version of yourself, without apology! When you take responsibility for your life, and allow others to do the same, life opens up.  When you step into courage, learn to say no when appropriate, and let go of the need to earn other’s approval by people pleasing, you’ll step into creating healthy vibrant relationships and fill your own cup of happiness.

ACTION STEPS:

• Review your choices each day for one week. 
• How many times did you chose people pleasing over what your truly desire?
• How many times did you say yes, when you really wanted to say no?
• What boundary did you allow someone to cross?
• How did it feel?
• With each example, write out if you had it to do over, how you might have handled it differently.
• Consider a mantra to remind you to release your people pleaser. Make it a phrase or a word you can repeat to yourself to remind you in difficult times to put you first!

Ready to learn more? Let's tackle that people pleaser together. Click Here to Schedule a Complimentary Session with me!